How to Stop Resenting and Start Connecting with Your Partner
With Valentine's Day next week, the topics of marriage, partnerships, and sharing household/parenting responsibilities have come up repeatedly in coaching calls.
And I think the idea of keeping things "fair" is top of mind right now because of the deeper desire underneath.
On the surface, you want more help around the house and to share more of the mental load because you have too much on your plate. And if you could get some help, you could have the space and capacity for more.
More connection, more romance, more conversations, more being partners, and less being roommates.
So yes, it is about who takes out the trash, who goes to the grocery store, and who picks up and drops off at daycare.
But it's also about so much more than that.
Drop it, delegate it, or do it with love.
I'll never forget the first time I heard my friend and fellow coach, Olga Lacroix, share the sentiment - drop it, delegate it, or do it with love.
Those words are empowering.
They remind you that behind everything you do, there is always a choice.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, because if you don't do it, who will? But what if you still chose to do even those things?
What if you started evaluating you do in a day?
Do you want to put clothes away in the dresser where they belong? Or do you want to drop it and just have your kids get dressed from the laundry basket?
Do you want to unload the dishwasher in the morning, or do you want to delegate it to the kids?
Do you want to cook dinner at home every night? If there's no way to delegate it, then can you choose it and do it because it's important to you? (maybe love is a bit strong of a word when it comes to cooking!)
Now, I hear from some of you that you don't want to be the person who has to make these decisions in the first place. The one who has to be "in charge" in order to delegate or ask for help. That that in itself is work.
And I get that. It would be amazing if your partner just saw the basket of clean laundry and put it away unprompted.
Or if he came home from work and immediately started cooking dinner.
Or if he oversaw the kids emptying of the dishwasher.
And you can wait for that day to arrive, if it does.
Or you can decide that asking for help and delegating is the fastest way to get what you ultimately want - more time and space in your days.
You can decide that your partner isn't not doing certain things out of spite, but that those things just aren't as "visible" to him.
You can decide that he wants to feel connected to you too and will help out more if that's the end goal you're both working toward.
You deserve connection.
You deserve romance and intimacy and fun and playfulness, or whatever it is that you want in your partnership.
And so, if you want, you can start by deciding - to drop it, delegate it, or do it with love - and see where it takes you.
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