Episode 07: The Secret to Being a More Patient and Present Mom
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Do you wish you had more patience or that you were more present when you're with your kids? Have you ever felt guilty for how you reacted in the moment and then spent hours reading and watching parenting experts to learn what to do differently next time? You could learn all the skills and have the best tips and phrases at your fingertips, but if you're overwhelmed by work and life it will take so much more effort to respond patiently. Because that patient version of you is buried underneath the mental load of all that's on your plate.
If you want to put those parenting skills to use, the best thing you can do is create mental space. Put the autopilots tasks of life on autopilot so you have the capacity to respond patiently and the peace of mind to be present with who is in front of you. This week's episode is all about creating mental capacity so you can be the parent that you've always wanted to be. This one is a must-listen.
In this episode, you’ll learn…
01:35 Teaching and modeling patience to our kids
03:31 Patience is a parenting skill
05:21 The guilt most parents feel is not what you might think
06:57 Having the skills without the environment is like diving with an inner tube on
08:42 Creating an environment where you can be successful
12:30 What to do in the moment when you notice you're distracted
14:35 It's not just about lists and organization
16:54 Resources
links & resources mentioned in this episode:
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode. about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode.
Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. How are you this week? I think I probably just committed the cardinal sin of sitting down to record anything behind a microphone. I drank a smoothie, a dairy smoothie, I might add actually has almond milk in it, but I was thinking about one of my all time favorite audiobook narrators, Julia Whelan, if any of you Listen to audiobooks.
I'm sure you have heard her voice. She narrates, Emily Henry's romance novels, but also just some really all time favorite books. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue. I'm sure there are others, but I remember listening, I think, to an interview with her about just her prep and practice before she sits down in the sound booth to record and narrate for hours on end.
They go through to, to narrate these books. And she said, yeah, no dairy, like very, mindful or conscious of what she drinks and eats before she's going to record. And, I just. Maybe I should, have a little bit more of a routine before I sit down to record a podcast episode, but hey, I'm here and I'm excited to talk to you about a word that I heard or used, I can't remember, yeah, I used it earlier today with my youngest and it's the word patience.
I use it all the time as a parent. I'm sure you do as well. I want my kids to have patience. I want them to be patient, right? I'll be there in a minute to get you some more water, just be patient. Or this is my favorite. I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be out soon. Have some patience. Please be patient.
Or thank you for being patient. I can't remember the name of the bluey episode, but. If your household loves Bluey, like my household loves Bluey, what's the one where they're kind of learning patience and the rule or the expectation is to touch your grown up's arm if you have something you need them to know, if you want to tell them something, but they're in the middle of maybe talking to another adult, thank you for being patient and waiting. Now, what was it that you wanted to tell me? And as parents. We want to be patient too. I hear from so many of you. I want to be a patient and present mom. I want to be calm amidst the chaos of everything that's happening around me. Whether it's, Taking your toddler a million years to put their shoes on, or when your baby is still colicky, when you've been back to a school for a week already, like we have, and you still have to remind them every morning to put their book bag by the door.
We want to be patient in those moments and so many others. It's a parenting skill. Being patient, nothing teaches you patience like having kids, I think. I'm sure there are other, other things as well, but to me, so much patience is taught as a parent. It's something we learn. It's something we have to practice and remember.
My clients know that I'm a big Dr. Becky fan. if you are familiar with her podcast, Good Inside, she has a book by the same name. She's on Instagram. She's everywhere. And I think so many of the tools and the strategies and even just the phrasing and the scripts that she provides to us as parents, as a parenting coach, they're so applicable in our lives, in our conversations and relationships with other adults as well.
But someone like Dr. Becky gives us the words, gives us the script. How can we say these things like, Thank you for being so patient and waiting. Now, what is it that you wanted to tell me?
There are certainly talk tracks of hers that I have used. And they're phrases that may be a little bit newer to my vocabulary or to how I interact. And so there are things that I am constantly practicing, remembering, and trying to use in the moment. But sometimes I think you could have the best parenting strategies, the right words, you could have the skill, but if you are overwhelmed, if you're feeling stressed already, if your mind is in a million places where it's everywhere, but where you are physically.
You're thinking about that email that you still need to send, that appointment that you didn't schedule today yet again, or the projects that continue to sit half finished. In that state, patients will always be just out of reach.
Guilt. The feeling of guilt comes up a lot. And as a coach for working moms, you might think that the most common scenario where guilt presents itself for the women that I work with is in being away from. Your kids. Working. Traveling. Not being there enough. And while I do hear that, that is certainly normal, common, what I actually think I hear more when talking about guilt is actually feeling guilty for how you reacted in a situation, yelling, getting angry or frustrated, feeling exasperated, raising your voice, using a tone that you don't want to be using, and then saying things or just responding in a way that's not in line with the type of parent you want to be.
You know how you quote unquote should respond. And I'm guessing you have read the parenting books, you listen to maybe Good Inside or other parenting coaches, or you follow them on Instagram or TikTok or wherever. But in the moment, after you've worked a full day, you're in the middle of figuring out what to have for dinner and thinking about the work you're going to have to do tonight after you put the kids to bed.
And it's hard to put those strategies into practice. It's hard to be the calm, present, patient parent you want to be. And I just want to tell you that makes so much sense. It would be like knowing how to dive into the deep end of a pool. So you know that your knees are slightly bent. That your chin is tucked a little bit under, that your arms are straight out and your hands are overlapping, so your arms are kind of like hugging the side of your head right alongside your ear.
I was just helping my, oldest practices dive a couple of weekends ago, so I feel like I can rattle this off really quickly. But even though you know how to dive, you know the mechanics of diving, um, It would be like being strapped into an inner tube or having one of those floaties, you know, over your arms and across your chest like all of our little ones do when they're in the pool.
There's no way to have a successful dive when you have an inner tube around your waist.
So if you're in a place where you're frustrated with yourself for not having the patience that you want to have, for reacting instead of responding in the calm, patient way that you want to, I hope this gives you some perspective. I hope it allows you to zoom out and then let's address the real problem.
Let's set up an environment where you can be successful. Let's create an environment where it's easier and you can use all of the tools and skills and phrases that you've learned, but without having to force yourself. Maybe you have to remind yourself because Some of those things might be newer to you or phrases that, you know, you're not used to saying, but maybe it doesn't have to be so effortful.
An environment where you can be successful is created by creating mental space. When you have mental space, you can be present. You can be where you are instead of thinking about all of the other things. You can be with your kid who's trying to put their shoe on for the fifth time and it's still on the wrong foot.
You can be with your baby who continues to cry. You can be the calm moderator when your kids are arguing with each other. That is my reality right now. I want to be that calm facilitator and moderator between my children. In that environment, you can choose and opt for language and words and just a way of being that you know will create connection in that moment.
That will give you, and them, that feeling, that knowing, that you are present with them and you're responding patiently.
One of the all time classic examples. And I use it because it's real or it was real for me and I am guessing, I'm almost sure that you've experienced it too. A picture sitting on the floor, playing with your kid. For me, the image that comes to mind is stacking those cardboard nesting boxes. I was going to say my oldest loved those, but actually all three of mine did.
And by the, at the time we had our third, you know, Every seam was taped with, clear packing tape as they were sort of falling apart, but, sitting on the floor, playing, stacking those blocks over and over again. It's so routine and monotonous, and my mind would always wander. I was thinking about work and the deadline that I had coming up at the end of the week or that uncomfortable conversation I'd had with a colleague or the mudroom project that I could see just out of the corner of my eye that we've been working on for a year.
Thinking about everything, but stacking those blocks and seeing what my kid is doing in that moment. And so when they interrupt those thoughts with demands or mommy watch or tears or frustration or whatever, it's so easy to snap. You were thinking about something. You were working through something in your mind and they interrupted you.
And it's so easy to snap, to be agitated or frustrated that they still need more. Of course, your mind is constantly busy thinking and strategizing. There's no capacity in that moment for that peaceful parent, that patient parent to be at the surface. She's busy. Buried underneath the load of everything else that you have to do.
And so in those moments, catch yourself, notice when you are worrying or thinking about those other things you didn't get to, or you still need to do, or that you forgot to do, jot them down. I like to do this, even still to this day, when I catch myself not being present with my kids. I like to do this on a piece of paper.
I know the phone is the easiest thing, it's usually probably always in your back pocket, which is another thing we could talk about. Putting a quick couple of items onto a piece of paper. Paper, I will sometimes grab it from the art table that's nearby where my kids crafts are or we keep small notebooks in a drawer in our kitchen near the living room where all of the toys are.
That sends a different signal than I think picking up your phone, which starts to set this expectation that you're choosing your phone over your kids. But by just jotting those things down quickly, whatever you were thinking about or worrying about or just overthinking about, acknowledge them.
Acknowledge that these are the things that are distracting you right now, and then set it aside to be able to come back later. And you may have to do this multiple times. It's when people who are regular meditators say, bringing the mind back to your breathing or to, you know, whatever you're focused on in your meditation, that is the majority of the work.
And that may be the majority of your experience of trying to be present, sitting and playing with your kid. That's okay. Continue to do that and acknowledge the things that are distracting you and then get back to being in the moment. Because when you are in the moment, you are setting yourself up to have that environment for success.
When I speak so passionately about creating lists and making plans for your time and making sure that you realistically have the hours in the day to do those things, and when you don't, making those tough decisions about what stays and what goes and what's prioritized this week and what has to wait, it's because of the downstream impact that it all has.
When you're overwhelmed and exhausted by all the things you have to do, not only is it not a great experience, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted or agitated or frustrated, those don't feel good. But that also impacts your relationships maybe a partner, with yourself, with your friends, and definitely with your kids.
I don't speak about organization and planning just because I love organizational tools or to be an organized person who has it together that that's the only way. I speak about those things because of what they give you on the other side. It's about the relief that comes from knowing those things are getting done.
Things are not falling through the cracks, and that relief brings peace of mind. Peace of mind allows you to be where your feet are instead of thinking about what's next. Your plan tells you what's next. You don't have to worry about it. So part of being a patient and present parent is certainly learning the skills of patience and presence, knowing what it looks like and what it sounds like.
Knowing your vision for yourself as a parent, but you can't stop there. That's not enough. You have to create the environment that will help you be successful in executing on those skills that you are building. And that starts with managing your time and your responsibilities in a way that puts the autopilot things on autopilot.
So you can be where your feet are and you can respond patiently. This is the work that I do with my coaching clients. If you want to learn more, I encourage you to fill out a short application so I can hear more about you and your working mom journey, and we can talk about what it would look like to work together.
You can find that over on my website at themothernurture. com forward slash application.
All right. Until next week, I hope that you can create the environment where you can be successful at being the type of parent that you want to be. I'll see you in the next episode. Take care.
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