You Don't "Have" To Do That!
There are many ways to describe my daughter. She’s a(n)...
middle child of 3
only girl
preschooler
red-head
dessert connoisseur
expert negotiator
light sleeper
chronic whiner
singer & dancer
...among other things.
But until last weekend, I didn’t know she was also a girl who trusts herself and knows intuitively who she is.
Sounds like a lot for a 4-year old, doesn’t it?! Let me explain.
You see she’d been invited to a birthday party for a friend she’d met through soccer. They see each other occasionally but not everyday like the kids she goes to school with.
I hadn’t really thought much of the party since it was a casual get-together and we didn’t even have to bring a present (praise the parents who say no gifts and truly mean it!). But as it got closer to time to leave, my daughter said to me, very matter-of-factly:
“Mom, I don’t really want to go to the party. I’m nervous and I’ll be shy of everyone else that I don’t know.”
My instinct was to minimize her fears and encourage her to be brave and go anyway. Who knows? She might make new friends and have fun. Besides, it would be good for her.
Wait... says who?!
My daughter is telling me how she feels. I should honor that.
So instead I asked if she was sure. She vigorously nodded yes. And then I said… “Ok. I’ll let her mom know.”
We stayed home and ended up having a lovely family afternoon at home, all 5 of us. We relaxed and it was so nice.
WHY IS IT SO HARD?
I’ve continued to replay that conversation in my mind again and again.
Should I have encouraged her to go?
Was it rude to cancel at the last minute?
Was her friend disappointed?
Will my daughter outgrow her shyness if I don't force her to be brave?
Why do I think there's anything wrong with being shy?
And round and round and round!
I want my kids to be able to speak their truth. And more importantly, I want them to feel heard.
I want to validate how they feel and I don’t want them to do things just because they think they “should”.
So if my daughter did all of that and more, at the young age of 4, why am I still in disbelief over it?
Maybe it’s because I’m still working on all of that myself.
I’m still working to separate the things I feel like I “should” do from the things that I actually want and need to do.
I’m still working to validate how I feel and not judge it or try to change it.
And I’m still working on speaking my truth. On being clear as a way to make everyone’s lives easier.
THEY'RE WATCHING
My daughter showed me, with one simple statement, that she sees the work I’m doing.
She’s absorbing it by witnessing me.
Together, we are breaking the cycle of obligation, martyrdom, and overwhelm.
We’re learning to trust ourselves more than anyone else.
And we’re learning that being clear and direct iskind.
Of course, I’m happy to see this reflected in my daughter because I can relate to her story as a woman.
But I also want the same for my boys.
Regardless of how your child identifies, it’s important work.
It’s why I believe SO FULLY in leading the way. In investing in yourself. In the coaching work that I do.
There will always be a million things to invest in for our kids. But children learn best by watching, by witnessing. So I'm adamant about investing also in myself.
What are my kids seeing?
In their eyes, how am I showing up to my life?
And is that how I want them to show up in their lives?
What are your kids seeing?
Are your weeks filled with obligations and things that you feel like you “should” do?
Or are you listening to and trusting yourself? Are you doing what YOU need and want to do?
If you’ve not given this thought before, you can start today. Your kids will follow. But you have to lead.
What “obligations” do you find yourself being trapped by most often? What activities or events are you forcing your children into, based on feelings of obligation? How can you shift that burden and feel good about it? If you feel like you could use some help, some actionable steps in this area, please schedule a call with me today.