Asking for Help as a Busy, Working Mom
I'm sure you can think of dozens of examples of when you felt completely alone, overwhelmed, or exhausted.
I'm curious if your initial instinct was to ask for help.
If you're anything like I used to be, you're probably really good at thinking up excuses as to why you don't really need to bother anyone else.
Instead, you suffer through the overwhelm and exhaustion on your own until things get better.
Do you survive? Yes.
Would things have been easier and less stressful if someone had been there to help? Most likely.
So why in those instances is it so hard to actually ask for help?
Because you haven't developed the skill.
Instead of getting the reps in, your brain comes in and offers lots of excuses:
"What makes your challenge more important than someone else's?"
You know that your family loves you, that your friends care about your well-being, that those closest to you want to see you happy and thriving. But you also know that everyone is busy and has their own challenges and struggles. Why should yours be any different?
"What would you actually have someone do if they did offer to help?"
Let's say you actually put yourself out there, ask for help, and they say "Yes! I want to help you." Well, now what? If someone is going to give up their time and energy to lend a hand, you want to have something productive and meaningful for them to do. You want them to feel like helping you made a difference and was worth their time. What is it that you really need?
"How do you know that this occasion truly warrants someone's help?"
You don't want to be the girl who cried wolf. You want to be selective, prioritize your requests, and only ask when you truly need help the most. So maybe you should just wait for a more worthy example. What is "worthy"?
How do you practice asking for help?
It's quite simple. You start asking.
But before you do, here are a few reminders and best practices:
There's never going to be a "right" time
You could wait and wait for the right, most worthy time to ask for help. But the truth is, if you feel in your gut that you could use some help, NOW is the time. There is no threshold or qualifier. Just ask.
We're all adults
Just because you ask, doesn't mean the other person has to say yes. They are grown adults (asking your kids for help is a different topic for another day!) and can (and sometimes will) say no. Your only job is to ask.
Help is not a finite resource
There is no set number of "help sessions" that you get from friends and family (or even strangers). If you're genuine in your need for help and provide specific details around what it is that you need so people will be able to confidently step up to help, they'll likely do it again and again. No one is keeping score.
Start with giving help
If you're struggling to ask for help when you know you need it, maybe start by giving help. You'll be reminded that it's not that much of a hassle and it actually feels good. Then channel that memory the next time it's your turn to ask.
Be specific
When you ask for help and start with "sometime, I'd love it if...", you're not providing enough direction. Most will respond with "sure" and then never follow through. But when you make a very specific request, it makes it easier for someone to respond honestly with whether or not they can be the one to help you. Tell those around you exactly how to help you and when.
Express gratitude
Say thank you in one way or another. If you're not good at doing that in person, write a thank you note and express sincere gratitude. It goes a long way.
Spread the word
The only way we can start to make it more acceptable to ask for help, is by asking for help. When you receive it, be sure to let others know that you're not doing it all alone. You have a tribe, a village who supports you. Then encourage others to ask for help when needed and be sure to give help as well. Seeing examples of how others around you are asking for help is inspiring.
By asking for help, you pave the way for others to ask for help too. EVERYONE needs help at some point or another and somehow along the way we've forgotten that we're not supposed to be able to do it all ourselves.
Get your to-do list in order so you know exactly what to ask for help with.
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